We are two days into the new year.
All day I’ve struggled with accidentally typing in the wrong date on my paperwork for my job. I’m sure I’ll do that for another two months (at least).
I was driving to Shreveport to surprise Kevin yesterday and while driving, I was thinking, praying, and dreaming for this year. I also spent time looking back at past years. I used to hate New Year’s Eve. I can remember dreading the moment the clock hit 12:00. I remember watching the year change on my phone lock screen, from familiar to foreign and new. Looking back, it was irrational and silly, but so valid to me still.
One year, I remember I had plans to go up to the church and watch a film to ring in the new year with my youth group. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety that I found myself sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth in our bathroom for an hour. I remember feeling so afraid. New was scary. New was uncontrollable. New was unknown. I felt as if I was losing control, and I did all I could to hold onto the night so quickly passing me by. I hated it. The year I had experienced was behind me, and an entire year of unknowns was before me. There was so much to fear and worry about. My objective for NYE was always this: to get a good sparkler picture, and to try really hard *not* freak out.
Some of you may know, but for those of you who don’t, I work at a Mental Health Rehabilitation facility currently. I have good working knowledge of mental illness and struggles. I won’t get too into this, but I am not someone who was/is plagued with anxiety.
My anxiety was limited and situational-not a daily occurrence- and it was brought on specifically due to my lack of trusting God to take care of me. I doubted whether or not He would carry me through.
(*NOTE* Here, I am talking about my anxiety specifically, not all cases. I believe in my profession, and in no way I saying I believe everyone with anxiety just needs to pray harder.)
The past year, my life has completely changed in so many ways, and if there is anything God showed me, it is this: I can rely on Him to care for me.
I can trust Him to keep me safe. The past year has been very transitional for me, and if there is anyone I can depend on, it is Him.
2018 was one of those years. I tried to have complete control this past year. Because of it, I watched a lot of my life go up in flames. I lived in a miserable state, depressed and anxious, disconnected from Him. When you disconnect from God, you disconnect from peace, from joy, from what’s good. Despite my own attempts, God brought blessings. Despite my mess, God orchestrated things together more beautifully than I ever could have.
I shared my annual sparkler picture on New Year Eve night, stating that I was walking into the New Year with ease, but I knew most didn’t know my history concerning NYE. I felt the need to share it with you. Now you can better understand it’s significance, and see God’s work in my life.
I walk with ease because He is placing my steps. He is directing my path. He is in the details and challenges of my life. His favor is constantly present. I live in a state of peace now, and I am so thankful I am not in control, but Him.
I have many hopes and dreams I want to chase in 2019. I am praying for them already, and stepping out as I feel God gives me the green light.
I don’t write as much anymore, but that’s one of the things I’m trying to work on this new year.
I hope this year has started out well for you, and I hope you are walking into this year peace-filled.
Be a blessing.