spring thoughts

I’ve had the worst writers block lately.

I think I haven’t blogged in so long, some of my newer friends may not even know I have a blog at all. I do, and welcome to my blog. This is a space I write my thoughts out, hoping that someone benefits somehow from them.

Anyway, every single time I try to post something meaningful, I just find myself having nothing to say, and my few words falling flat.

I feel like I’m such a weird place in life, and sometimes I try to force myself be positive or encouraging when sometimes its me who needs encouraging. So, I won’t try to write beautifully inspiring words. I’m just going to be honest, and see where that gets me.

It’s February, and I spend a lot of my time feeling down and having low energy. I always feel this way this time of year; it is easily the worst part of the year for me. I often struggle with seasonal depression during the end of winter/start of spring. I find myself in a place where I don’t see anything ahead of me to look forward to, and so I end up looking back more often than I should. This time last year, my home was very different. I had a house full of animals and people-three other roommates, two fish, two birds, and one pug. But, things change. I can’t help but to desperately wish I could go back to this time last year. We had such amazing adventures together. Sometimes I think, “I would give anything to go back. Life was so much better then.” I have found myself so sad lately because I miss spring 2017.FullSizeRender

I miss Lindsey, and I miss Liz.

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I miss Milo, and I miss my birds.

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I miss my internship, too. Sometimes its tempting to think, “I would be happy for those circumstances again. I just can’t be happy right now.”

But that’s the thing. I look at the pictures of us from that time, and one by one, memories will hit me. And though the photographs captured beautiful moments, they were surrounded with unhappy and painful moments. They were surrounded with me feeling exactly how I feel now, missing the year before, thinking that life was better before, and wishing to go back.

Here’s what I know: next year, wherever I am in spring of 2019, I would be willing to bet that I’ll go through SAD again, because I do every year. And I’ll be tempted to believe that life was better before, and that I can’t be happy right now. But that just isn’t true. And I know it isn’t. It’s all about attitude, about making the best out of where we are, and about finding joy in the Lord and what He’s doing at all times. I have such great things happening and I have so much to be thankful for right now. And choosing to ignore that is wrong and damaging, both to myself and others. That attitude stops today.

While I miss my amazing friends and while I’ll always cherish last spring, I know that  contentment right now is possible. Living a beautifully full life is possible, and that’s what I’m going to do. I’ll look back and I’ll smile at the polaroids taken of us; but I won’t let that stop me from living right now. Here’s to creating a life I find beautiful. Here’s to chasing my dreams and to living in the moment.

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